**Trigger Warning** The following may contain whole sentences AND punctuation.

I am based near Boston, the original and best one, in Sunny Lincolnshire, in the middle of a vast broccoli field.
I do not have a ‘shop’, in which you can excitedly flail about knocking things over, and visits are by appointment only please.

There are many ways to get in touch with me, but before you do, please help me to help you by having your bike model, frame number and engine number ready, for example ‘3AJ Tenere’ or ‘3TB XT600E’, AND please include your phone number:

• You could attach a note to the collar of a fox and tell him about the loose lid on my bin.
• You could shout across The Fen.
• Alternatively, you could call me on my telephone by dialling the number: +44(0)1205 871945 …no answer? Keep trying. Still no answer? Probably best to email me then.
  My old mobile number, ending in xxx570; having had the same mobile number since 1989, far too many people know it, so may I respectfully ask, that if you do know it, that its use is reserved to smooth things along on the days of delivery and collection of your bike only. Texts are not monitored. My new, ‘business-hours-only’ mobile number ends in xxx035. I’ll give you this new number once a job has been commisioned. If you are an existing customer, please feel free to request this number.
• Send an email to bigbluecoach at hotmail with a “dot com” at the end. Senders of emails typed in lazy ‘text-speak’ will be pointed at, mocked and ignored, ok m8, c u l8r. I think not, actually.
• LOOK. Innit.
  AND please include your phone number in your first email.
• I’m also on facebook if you want to stalk me there too 

The best time to phone me is 10am – 4pm, Tuesday to Thursday – Mondays are hectic and by Friday lunchtime I’m starting to go off XTs and thinking about another long-distace adventure in my Micra.

Oh, and one more thing.
If you have contacted me for some advice, technichal information or some price quotes, once our dialogue has finished, you have got what you were looking for and you have no more need for further contact with me, please, at the very least, have the decency to make your final message inclusive of some sort of ‘thank you’. This will cost you nothing and will make me very happy!
Currently, those of you who do say ‘thank you’ are very much in the minority.
I am NOT a feckin’ chatbot; I am a very busy real human being with 35+ years of technical experience, so I can and will help you, but without a ‘thank you’ I will only do it once.
Thank me or don’t thank me; it’s up to you…
I have a very good memory and a folder in my email called ‘timewasters’ where the latter go.
The best ‘thank you’ I ever had was when a chap sent me a pack of sausages, using normal post. Feel free to do the same, or better!
(Better = Cadbury’s Dairy Milk, in at least a 200g bar)

Thank you.

Now bugger off, stop worrying that you don’t have an original front mudguard and go and actually RIDE your XT!